I've spent the last few days feeling particularly blue. I don't know many people here in Charlotte yet - okay, no one really, and it's getting a bit lonely. And by a bit lonely, I mean, it feels like a huge hole has been ripped out of the middle of my chest with no "brb" note to be seen. I've never felt loneliness to this depth, and it's like my feet are stuck in the sand and the waves of loneliness that started out just licking at my ankles are now sweeping my hair around my neck as if using myself as it's own noose. I find myself constantly searching this sea of faces for any trace of familiarity, and I exhaust myself with my own lack of success. Frankly, it's tiring.
^^^ and while all of that is a bit dramatic, although accurate, it lead up to a wonderful evening yesterday. I had calmed myself down and called my mom just to chat and she was also missing me terribly (who isn't though? I find myself fabulous and totally missable) - so on a spur of the moment trip Luke and I left Charlotte as soon as he was off work, and Dad left work early and jumped in the car with my mom and my brother and we met up!
Princeton, WV is our halfway point, and although the traffic was ridiculous on our end (literally turned our car off to sit still on I77 for 20 minutes, then bumper to bumper for the next hour) it was so worth it to see their faces again. I found myself constantly apologizing for staring at them creepily, but I just couldn't help it. Although I think it made it worse to leave them, knowing that this time I wasn't driving towards the illusion of hope and excitement, but rather towards continued loneliness and a long line of job-rejection emails, just seeing them, hugging them again, made it all worth it.
I keep being told that with time it'll get easier, and although I've yet to see any glimpse of that, I hold on to the hope that it's true. I know I'll never stop missing them, but maybe one day I'll be able to keep from sobbing and staring at the mother and daughter that I was following (and likewise scaring) in the mall, and that I can talk to my brother on the phone without losing all of my words because I just miss him so much, and that I can go one Sunday without thinking of my home church and wishing that I could be back there. I've got nothing here, but I'm holding on to that phrase; I just keep telling myself "easier with time, easier with time".