Every year, instead of a New Years Resolution, I pray for the Lord to give me a word to focus on through the year. This year my word was Humility and I knew from the time He breathed that word into my spirit that it was going to be a doozy.
I've built myself to have a thick skin, to "dish it" as well as I can take it, and honestly I can't remember a time that I haven't been arrogant and proud. I try to be the best at everything and work the hardest and be the smartest, and "fake it till I make it", claiming that I've forgiven AND forgotten. It was a facade that I wore confidently, convincing myself that without it I was nothing.
2015 wrecked me.
When God promised to teach me humility, that was not what I had in mind. I was almost looking forward to Him showing me how live without the arrogance. I wanted to be sweet and kind, and considered all the ways that could change my life. But, God had other plans. He wanted to teach me that true humility means having an understanding of who I am and who He is. Humility is reverence and trust in Him, a gentle spirit and regard for others above yourself. He wanted to produce those traits in me, but they cannot grow in a garden of bitterness. So, God started weeding.
My hard shell and tough skin, that I've spent years developing, began peeling away without my consent, leaving me feeling exposed and unmasked. Things I had hidden far into the depths of my heart rose to the surface. Fears I had claimed to overcome appeared again overnight. Old hurts that I'd buried deep in the name of healing came crashing into my every thought, every nightmare, into the very forefront of my mind with no strength to hide it away again.
The haughty, arrogant demeanor I'd long carried began diminishing as God showed me my brokenness.
There is not an eloquent way to describe the fear that rose in me as I realized how broken I am. I'd spent years believing in myself, of all the things that "I have overcome" and people I've forgiven. It was as if everything I believed about myself had been revealed as a lie and all I could do was shrink back in horror as truth after truth became visible, baring my vulnerable, scared heart.
As I said, God had started weeding.
At first I was angry, and all I could do is cry out why, why, why. Wasn't going through these experiences the first time enough? Why must I re-live them, why must the things I had put away come back to haunt me, why make me feel my heart cracking and breaking all over again?
I felt stunted and bruised, and overwhelmingly I found that I felt disappointment in myself. Instead of seeking healing and wholeness as these events transpired, I had buried all of this deep inside of me, trusting only myself with my hurts. I gripped too tightly my faith in myself. We have a God that is reaching out saying "Let me carry that for you, let me make you whole" and like a toddler holding a dirty blankie I said "No! This is MINE" and I questioned what would happen if it was taken away.
2015 wrecked me. 2015 taught me humility.
I've spent months trying to bargain with God, "I'll give you THIS hurt, but I'm not ready to give you this other one", and patiently He waits.
"But I'm not ready to forgive him, why don't we work through another problem first?"
And He patiently waits.
"God, what if we -"
"God, why don't we-"
"But, I want-"
"But, I'm not ready-"
"But, God-"
And patiently He waits.
Hands outstretched, offering me so much more than I can comprehend asking me to just give Him my hurts. To give Him my attitude, and false sense of power over my own life. To give Him my trust. And finally, I'm handing it over. My heart is bruised and I feel as if every weakness and scar and fear is exposed and it's terrifying, but underneath the fear and past the trembling theres a slight breeze of liberation. Because I know that my God is better equipped to handle a broken heart than I am. Because I know the He can heal my hurts, not hide them. Because I know that I am powerless to restore my own heart. Because I know who He is.
My word for 2016 is Clean.
God started weeding, and pulled out all of my pain and hurt to surface and now its time to sweep it away. Clean is not a condemnation, but a beckoning, a promise, available for all. I'm not naive enough to believe that as I continue to fight my demons and search for forgiveness that it will be any easier. But this time, I'm not battling them into the back of my mind, but rather standing with the Lord and following Him as He leads me into healing and forgiveness as He makes my heart clean.
2015 wrecked me. God is restoring me.
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. | Ephesians 4:31-32
______________________________________________________________________
I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. | John 15:1-4